My last post about this was pretty open and honest so I am going to keep that momentum going here.
Over the weekend I did a few things that I read about in hopes of continuing this journey of mine. I have goals to find:
- Self Love.
- Inner Peace
- Pure Happiness
- Stronger and Healthier relationship
So what do all of these mean to me?
In the last post, I was breaking down how much I don’t love me. That is above and beyond obvious to me. I have just let myself beat myself up. Allowing others negative opinions and views of me be the foundation of which I was trying to use to build myself. That doesn’t work. How can someone only think and hear negatively of themselves and think they are capable of be a strong and positive person who loves themself? Not possible. The issue I have is I was never taught HOW to just LOVE myself and not let those outside opinions and views affect me the way they have. It wasn’t just my peers, it was my family or ones close to me. Lets be honest while in school idk that anyone is left alone or not picked on. Sadly, if it isn’t being said to the persons face we now how this thing called internet that allows people to talk about others without the face to face interactions. I was a victim of both. But, I am here to talk about building myself up not dwell.
I must contradict myself though a little and say that in order to first start this process I feel I have to forgive anyone who caused me this hurt and pain. None of which know the impact they have had on me but, I am here today to say their words hurt and left a mark but I forgive them and I am working on letting myself be a better and happier person who wants to live off of my own perception of myself. If I lived to be this portrait in my mind of how others would like me to look, I would be spending numerous of dollars on plastic surgery. As much as I can remember of high school and middle school, I really tried to get along with everyone. I was a little bit of an outsider, a nerd in my eyes, but I always tried to be “cool” with everyone. But in my mind I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact you can’t please everyone and not everyone has to like me. So now, I am faced with figuring out how to allow myself to forgive each and every person who impacted me the way they have. Family, friends, peers, relationships. To all of these people who I felt I didn’t fit a mold for and wanted nothing else but to appease them. I feel I should tell myself I am sorry for allowing all of this to happen. If only my mind was as open and strong as I feel it is right this moment about all of this….
Over the weekend I created a thing called a vision board. What is a vision board? For those of you who do not know I am going to tell you what mine is and what is on it so that you have an idea. I will attach a photo as well. I was reading up on things to do to help me in the beginning processes of this mindfulness, affirmations, manifestations and working on self-love. One thing I knew about but hadn’t looked far into was a vision board. For me, I made one on my phone to look at everyday and I also I took a piece of computer paper, a stick of glue and got my box of old magazines out and started reading through and cutting out clippings(I used to do this in highschool for my scrapbooks and I loved it). I knew one of my goals is to find self love so I found all types of clippings that say things like “Love You” “Live the Life you Love” “This is your year!” etc. A lot of the things I want to manifest are things such as a vehicle, money… I want less stress and to be fit and so forth. So I found these clippings and started gluing! I really like the one on my phone as well..
This is the one I made on my phone. To go through them, I want to have longer and thicker hair, I want to be debt free, I want to fix my smile, I want to love myself, I want that beautiful freaking house, I want a SUV… I put a Honda pilot on this one but I really just want any 4wd or awd vehicle with 3rd row seating that isn’t a bulky vehicle. I am petite and me in large SUV’s is just comical. I love having my nails done and haven’t had them done in so long…Jen Jewell is one of my fitness goals! She is built so awesome, I follow her on instagram and love, love, LOVE her feed. I also want to get some awesome shoes….I have no converse in my closet which is crazy to me but I also want to just have an abundance of clothes and shoes….what girl doesn’t?? I can never find anything to wear, ha!
Then we have the one I cut and glued to… this is the front side. After I was finished I made sure to put it in a slip cover so that nothing would get damaged. I have toddlers and I used dollar tree glue sticks. I trust nothing lol.
And this is the back… it is a little more geared towards money and health.
I have not yet shown Chad but, I did break down to him Saturday through a text what all I have been going through over that past week and apologized for being the way I have in our relationship. I know that on both sides of this, neither of us have been healthy towards one another. I tried to be controlling and he was not giving me sense of security… I will spare you the details unless you really want to know my deepest darkest secrets lol. I just was not the type of person that I should be. We both broke trust in numerous of ways, you don’t have to go out and cheat to break trust. I have apologized for being this person that I don’t even know and told him I don’t blame him if he doesn’t forgive me, my track record with him has shown so many times that I shouldn’t be forgiven. I let him know that I don’t love myself and I am so sorry for looking to him for my affirmations and security about myself. That isn’t how that should be. I shouldn’t look to him to feel confident, beautiful, like I love myself because of him. NO! I should be confident in myself enough to not need to hear those things from him all the time. Or even expect him to be the one to make me feel secure. That just blows my mind typing this. It is the harsh reality of mine and I know many others. We look to someone else to make us feel a certain way when all along we should be saving ourselves. Be your own hero, dammit!
So any who, after I made the board and confessed to Chad and had a nice long cry, I continued reading other blog posts about finding self-love. This is not an easy journey. I can’t just say “Oh, okay. I am better. i love me.” Nerp. Not happening. This process can take YEARS! But the most important part is to start loving me for me. For who I am. For what I bring to the table. Find ways to help myself be that happy person who does things for themselves. Right now, I have no vehicle, I am 8 months pregnant and have 2 toddlers. I don’t have me time or many ways to get it. So, I have found meditation. I have to say, my whole life I have been skeptical of meditating. Sounds crazy but I was brought up pentecostal and well, I felt I would be betraying God in some way by allowing myself to meditate. I felt I would be praising Buddha, which by all means that man was smart and wise. Meditating saves my soul, lol. I had read though that when you begin meditating and allowing your brain to shut off the world around you, in my own terminology, I opened a lot of boxes I had pushed into the deepest parts of my brain. Boxes that hold a lot of emotional collateral. I have found myself with a very jumbled and emotionally distraught thought process. Sorting all of this is going to take time but I believe this is what I need to do. Opening this black veil and allowing myself to push through and toss out all of the things that are weighing on my mind. Things that I didn’t even realize were there.
In all of my relationships, I always felt I was not good enough. I have always had men that never gave me that feeling that I didn’t need to doubt my role in their life. My first real relationship when i got out of highschool was beyond toxic. Drugs were chosen over me all the time. If it wasn’t drugs it was alcohol and at 18 years old, neither of us acted 18. We grew up watching our parents fight and saw physically abusive lifestyles through our moms and that is what we knew so that is how we acted out on one another. More me than him I must admit. But, we were still kids. We didn’t have any ounce of maturity at that time. My second… somewhat relationship.. was with a guy I had been on and off with since I was 15. We never lasted more than a couple of months but we tried again and again. I found out he was still seeing his ex and that he was talking to other girls. He always stopped talking to me because he found the next best thing. That is pretty damaging to a young girl. I thought it was all MY fault. Lets be real, it was all his own fault. I did nothing wrong and I was always there for him. He wasn’t mature enough either at the time to try to have a relationship with me. And now I see that. I see that it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t push him into someone else’s arms. To be honest I still feel guilt towards that, my brain is getting it but my stomach feeling and heart hasn’t let go of the pain. That sounds so sad. My 3rd relationship was with a guy named Jimmy. He was the first guy younger than me that I dated. That relationship was so much more than I had before. He had his life together. We hit it off so very quickly and moved in together. My family thought he was the one for me and he thought the same. That situation is very messy because he died of an accidental overdose and I was in the bed with him when it happened. The dumbest mistake was he decided that since he was mad at me, to make ME mad he was going to take his cousins prescription pills with her. Long story short, I had no other choice but to let that go. The what if’s don’t haunt me like they use to. It took me 2 years to start wanting a relationship and that is when Chad came along.
I wish I would have taken those 2 years to find myself. Build myself up and go through this process. I told Chad though, timing is everything. I just wish it wasn’t when I am close to 30 and 8 months pregnant but, better late than never I suppose. It is crazy though because I have watched Chad find who he is today over the last 7 years. He isn’t perfect, he isn’t always upbeat, he still has times where he reflects on himself and get quiet and down. But he has been going through this same process I am going through now since he was 18. I just don’t feel he let the proper support system be there for him. When I told him everything Saturday he told me he is here for me and will always be. He wants me to open up to him and be my comfort. That meant absolutely everything to me. When we first got together we spent those first few months just spilling everything to one another. All our feelings, past experiences… name it we talked about it. And over the years of breaking our trust for one another and going through all we have (It has NOT been an easy almost 7 years), we lost our communication and ability to be this disgustingly happy couple. But I want to get back there with him. I do love him and I want our family. I want our relationship to be the best it can be. I want us to be so financially stable and live comfortably. I want us to have a relationship outside of our family life together. I want us to be our own kind of perfect.
I have said this to so many people around me that I want to get back into the gym. After this baby I know I will have to wait 6-8 weeks and then I can start my journey of fitness all over again! After I had our son, I actually started to look exactly how I wanted my body to shape. Then I hurt my foot. But the process took me about 7 months to get where I wanted. The awesome thing is, your muscle memory is by far the greatest thing ever so hopefully it won’t take me as long to get close to where I was. The thing about working out for me is it gives me that time to myself. To be a person, not just a mom. Getting out of the house with these 2 even for an hour makes a world of difference on us all. We seem happier and i am ready to start tackling shit when I get home. Working out is a huge stress reliever also and I know when I was going regularly I started to feel so much better about myself. I smiled a lot more and being tan has always made me feel better.
I may sound completely materialistic or high maintenance in this post, that isn’t really me lol. I just for once in a long time want to feel good. Look good. Love who I am and what I see in the mirror. I want to be mentally strong and no matter what I hear about me or anyone says or does, I want to be strong enough to not let myself fall. Not be victim to someones words about me. I have so many imperfections that if you asked me what I love about myself, I would only say my eyes and that is because my whole life I have been told how gorgeous they are. That’s pretty much it. I don’t love my body, my shape, my curves, my face, my skin, my smile, my hair….I am just not at all happy with who I am today. Hell, I am not even a fan of my personality most days. I just feel so bitter and cold and mean some days. That isn’t who I remember myself being. But I am a work in progress.
For now, I am off to meditate, take some Tylenol and drink my one cup of coffee. Work on my nesting and hopefully start going through these baby clothes. from my two and getting things out and cleaned. I can’t belive as of this Thursday I will have 7 weeks left until I meet this baby. What a time to start finding myself, eh? To whoever finds my posts, I hope you enjoy them. I hope that through my process I help someone else in theirs. This stuff isn’t easy. I just want to love me, be a good mom, a good partner and find a way for our family to live comfortably. I don’t need to be a millionaire, I just want to be financially stable, debt free and happy. I could keep writing for days but I have been at this for about an hour and a half so I am seriously stopping myself here.