Today, I finished the book The Secret written by Rhonda Byrne. It took me a little while due to life and kids but I dedicated myself to finsih it. It really helped that everything I was reading made me stop and think. This book is truly an eye and mind opener.
Over the years I have allowed myself to fall victim to others criticism. To be told all of these negative things about myself. Allowed others opinions of me to break me down. That is NOT okay. Somehow I was never taught to love myself. I was never taught to drown out the hate from others, even my own family. It is amazing to me how by reading the things I have been reading, listening to the videos I have been listening to… I have opened my now jumbled mind to a whole new world. One that shows me all the things I had no idea I could have control over.
Thinking back now, I think of all the things that were said to me and all the people who said them. People that were close to me and people I didn’t know. It amazes me the impact words have on someone that is not mentally strong. I know I have been very good at putting on a hard exterior, but in reality I am so broken inside. I want to find inner peace within me and learn to love ME for ME. I am almost 30 years old and learing how to think differently is going to be a challenge but, I know this is something that I need to do. This is something that I want to do for not only me because I deserve to be happy in all aspects of my life but for my family. For my daughter who looks at me every day and says something positive.. she deserves to know to love herself because I don’t feel like my parents instilled that in me.
I can tell you times that my own mom would get mad at me and my sibling and the words she would say have stuck with us. She caled us dumb, stupid, idiots, I know she called me a bitch more than once.. she grew up in a homes that did not potray love the way I think it should be shown. She did the best she could I believe but through her madening rages and depressive states, she said and did a lot of things that have stuck with me. I remember my dad telling me that one time I came home from school so excited because I finally got a good grade on my math test. First of all I hate math, HATE math and never just got it like my older brother did so this was a huge deal to me. I ran in the house yelling for my mom saying “Mom look! Look at my math test!!”.. because I closed the door loudly and ran up the stairs making a stomping noise she completely ignored my test and yelled at me. How heartbreaking it still is to me to hear that story. I was 7. 7 years old, and my dad says he thinks that is when I stopped caring about school.
I was never a big fan of school anyways. I wasn’t a part of the crowd I wanted to be in with the pretty girls who grew up to be those popular girls. I remember not having all the pretty gel pens that they had and my dad couldn’t get me because of his and moms divorce and him being strapped for money. They all got good grades, played sports, dated the cute guys etc…. I had thick glasses(which were large in size in elementary school) and I was born with eczema and hyperlinatia.. on top of that in elementary school my siblings and I all had warts show up on our legs and hands not many but enough that others would pick on me. I remember always thinking “If my hands looked normal, I wouldn’t get made fun of. If I didn’t wear these glasses, I wouldn’t get made fun of. If I dressed differently I would be liked.” First of all, no one should have these thoughts. But, i did. I thought this way until I dropped out my senior year. I still had boyfriends and got contacts eventually but I was never happy with me. I always felt I needed to fit a mold. I never took the time to love me for who I was and all i was already.
Now being in this relationship of almost 7 years, I realize so many things. First and foremost Chad loves me. He loves me for everything that I already am. That is by far the most beautiful thing about him. Since school there have been so many changes to me physically that I am not happy wtih. I HAVE to find a way to love those parts of me that I often find myself looking at and putting myself down for. My teeth, my skin, my body, my style, my mothering style.. to be honest I can’t say that I am happy or love any part of me. I love being my childrens mom and I love being with Chad but, as I have read time and time again, I can’t truly love him or my kids fully without loving me first. And now more than ever I see it is so true. SO TRUE! All of my insecurities of our past that I can’t let go of, all of the insecurities I hold above my own head… my eyes are so open to so many things now that I was blinded to see.
I have been listening to Jay Shetty videos on youtube and trying to find books on mind changing and mindfullness. I have been reading and listening about gratitude. How to manifest things into my life. I am on this journey to find love within me! I deactivated my FB and am thinking of doing the same with my instagram. Jay Shetty had a interview once that he spoke about a powerful reason you need to put your phone down. First of all, how true. Think of how many times you looked through your feed and compared your life to someone else’s… their bodies. He says
“Being able to overcome envy. Being able to overcome jealousy. Being able to overcome the negative of competitive state. There’s a positive competitive state and theres a negative competitive state. Today when people are looking on Instagram or Facebook or YouTube all you are looking at is that, “Oh she got that many likes, or he got that many likes. She got engaged, or he got married.” Or, “Oh my God look at her body, or look at that.” and it’s like that stuff’s destroying us inside. Envy, jealousy, ego, greed. To be able to have enough clarity to purify yourself of those things is going to alleviate the biggest anxities and depressions of our time and mental health problems. And we know that. We know that, because all the mental health research today suggests that things like isolation, over exposure we now can have more pain consumption in one day because of what we are exposed to than the pain we would have had in a lifetime.”
First of all, let that sink in. Our day in age we have so many ways at our fingertips to be exposed to all of these things that allow us to compare ourselves, to let us wish we had this life or that life… I couldn’t have said any of that in a better way. It just hit me so hard when I heard that message.
So pretty much, at 30 years old, 32 weeks pregnant and raising 2 other babies and trying to be a partner to Chad, I have discovered I don’t love myself and need to find out how. Do I think this will be easy, Uhm probably not at first but I think I need to put forth as much effort as I can. Decluttering, practicing mindfullness, keeping a gratitude journal, meditating, waking up early to take care of things around the house and make sure I shower and put make up on etc… After baby get to the gym. Do things that make ME feel better and love ME. I have to be a little selfish and I have read that is completely normal and needed. I want to be the best I can be. I deserve it just as much as the ones around me.
It is amazing how you realize how many people talk negatively in times like this as well. My mom for example(my parents remarried after 20 years), she complains ALL THE TIME about money, work, kids, house chores, my dad, her vehicle… I seriously have NO IDEA how she is so negative. She has been my whole life until she was a preacher. And that didn’t last long. But as far as I can remember, she has been the mom that yells, hits, complains and never seems satisfied with any part of her life. No man is good enough, money isn’t good enough. Like I just can’t listen to it. I have to find a way to explain that to her without coming off in a rude or mean way.
That sounds so freaking harsh and I know it does, it feels harsh. But. for right now, I want to get my mind clear and unjumbled. I want to learn how to ignore negativity and sort my own brain and life out a bit. I have to start somewhere. After readin The Secrets chapter on The Secrets To You, I have wanted to make sure to try and make time for myself during my busy day. I got up that morning and took a shower, did my hair and make up, I painted my nails and even put my self tanner on(I’m pregnant, I can’t tan and its better than being over exposed to sun), I did 3 loads of laundry and cleaned some rooms up. There is so much more I want to do. I read living in clutter, clutters your brain and thoughts and makes you feel depressed and unmotivated. Uhm…SO FREAKING TRUE!!! I look around and get so overwhelmed that I just sit, and when I sit I scroll through my feed and when I scroll through feed I see girls, fitness models, negative news or posts…I am learning that I allow these things to consume me. I let social media to dictate how I view myself and my life. THAT IS NOT OKAY!!! What is WRONG with our society? A paragraph in The Secret talked about how the guy had stopped watching and reading the news because it was all so negative. When he eliminated that, he started to notice so many more negative things being eliminated. These things manifest. You think bad thoughts, you get bad results, You constantly say ” I hate that” ” I don’t want that” ” I am in debt” all of these negative thoughts and sayings only bring more negative. So, now I have to find ways to eliminate those things. Like I said this is going to be a journey and I really can not wait to share it all!
I am of to do my hair and make up and warm up my coffee. Start cleaning. Chad works 2nd shift tonight so maybe I can find something to declutter and help clear my mind a little bit. I am excited yet nervous for this process.