To just be real here, I am in a really weird spot in my life. well as of today.
I will be 30 in October. I will have my 4th child in June. I haven had all 4 children with the same guy. We live in a nice house down here in KY. We have 3 dogs and a cat. We have moved up a lot from when we were living in a hotel for a few months while our first-born was in the hospital. Let me just say… our relationship has never been easy. We were only together a month when I found out I was pregnant with Clay. And then we broke up, and got back together..broke up again..there was a lot of back and forth between me and his ex who had his first daughter. A lot happened with Clay’s pregnancy and life and me and Chad were not steady. Exactly 2 months after I let Clay go, me and Chad got back together and 2 weeks later were moving into an apartment together.
5 years later here we are… we went from my moms to a hotel to our apartment to a 3 bedroom duplex to our home now. So many bumps along that path!! So many stressful times, split ups and heart aches. So many tears and yelling. So many nights of crying myself to sleep and wondering how I was going to make it through the next day without feeling like my heart was going to literally split in half. On top of all our money stressors and then me staying home etc. NOTHING HAS BEEN EASY! And I will never lie and say it has been because well, anyone who knows us knows we have come a long way.
But now being in this nice bi level 3 bedroom 3 bath home with all of our family here growing with the animals etc… we still can not escape our own stressors. Life is stressful. And throughout this process we have each grown in different ways. Chad has learned what being a partner entails for the most part. He knows what will hurt me and what will cause a fight if I were to find out things. He knows that our family comes before ANYTHING. He knows that being a great provider is not an easy task. He deserves the world, truly. He works his damn ass off!!! He is putting in sometimes 50+ hours a week and that is just crazy to me. I wish he could be home with us more but at the same time I support his work ethic and know that him being home will make him absolutely stir crazy. But, as I said he has grown so much and deserves so much praise and attention for his growth.
As for me, I am kind of lost. I feel like I have lost myself.. lost my identity. Lost knowing what really makes me happy. Being a stay at home mom, I wish it was as easy as people make it out to seem. But more recently so many moms discuss how it truly is. When we first decided I was going to stay home I really thought my life would be that perfect pinterest post mom! I would do crafts and have the cleanest house… have dinner made and all the laundry done. Be able to take the kids and do things all the time and lead this perfect life. Wellll, no one told me that it isn’t that cookie cutter. Especially for me. At the time, Camryn was 16 months when I had Christian who was only 4 months old when I left work to be a stay at home. I was a stay at home while pregnant with Camryn and up to 6 months after. But I went back to work and Ohh that consumed ALL of my time. I had Fridays and Sundays off to be with her/our family and it was so rough. But being home with my 2 babies brought me so much Joy at first! I was so happy and they got to be with momma. It didn’t take long though, I craved to get out of the house. We would leave to just walk around a store to get out for a few hours which made a WORLD of difference.
I started working out which made me feel so good about myself. Took me 7 months after Christian to get my body close to where I wanted to be. But during that time my dad was keeping them so I could go and seemed to start to get annoyed. Then I hurt my foot and that whole thing ended. Since then I have lost 2 vehicles and now and pregnant and stuck at home all the time unless Chad is home and gets us out. Being in this house 24 7 is so draining. I am so unmotivated and dread moving out of bed most days.
Pregnancy can take a tole on you and how you feel mentally and view yourself physically. Mentally I am just so tired and beat myself up. Hearing how horrible of a job I do just kills me. Not getting out of this place makes me so unmotivated and with the weather not being nice, I can’t just go for a walk..especially with 2 toddlers. Physically I HATE my body.. Please, don’t get me wrong. I am so thankful and proud/grateful to be able to carry babies. It is really all I have wanted since I was 15 but I can’t fight the fact that after 4, I feel some sort of way about how my body is. I only have 2 stretch marks and I don’t have the petruding belly button, some days I love my belly and other days I feel as though Chad views me as so ugly and unattractive. The baby likes to knee or elbow Chad in the head when he lies on my belly and that has kind of ruined that little bit of bonding we use to have. It really doesn’t help that last week I woke up in a horrible mood and snapped at him when he got home. He said some things that have stuck with me that I can’t just forget.
I have said I love you twice and I have got nothing in return verbally but through text he said “love you” back. For the first time since last Wednesday I got a kiss goodbye. I am just trying to let things settle and ease back into the way they were.
We have fought during every pregnancy. It takes such a toll on me. And given our past, I panic. I get horrible anxiety. I get down and depressed and feel even more horrible about myself and being pregnant. I question myself and everything about myself. I fear talking to him and saying something that will just irritate him and he will want to leave. I don’t like that feeling. I don’t think I SHOULD feel this way. But I do. And I know that it is out of fear from our past which yet again we have grown from. I just wish I knew how to be at complete and utter peace with our past. Let all the petty jealousy go. How to react in a much better way than panic and feel as though blowing him up during a fight is the proper way. I guess in those moments I feel better if we are fighting than not talking. Which in reality all men really want is their space. To think and process and deal but NOOOO. Leave it to me. I will have a whole damn mini story written and sending them one after another. Am I proud of that? Hell no. I WANT TO CHANGE!!
So, as of lately, my thoughts have been geared towards ” I need to make a positive change” ” I have to feel better about myself”. Who hasn’t read that when you take care of yourself and better yourself it reflects on who you are in your relationship? I feel like Chad doesn’t tolerate how I act or my behavior because he is in a totally different mind-set. I don’t think he worries about me, or if I want to leave or if I am going to do anything to hurt him. At least that is how I hope he views me in our relationship.
It has been almost 7 years this October and I still to this day have not found a man who can veer my attention away from Chad. I really have no reason to seek anyone else. I can honestly say this is the man I truly believe I am supposed to be with. Through all of our relationships turmoil I always prayed to God “if he is truly the one I am supposed to be with please, let us work things out/let him come back to me”. And guess what? We always work out our problems. We always came through on the other side together. A lot of times it wasn’t easy and a lot of times it took a few weeks.. sometimes maybe a month or so to heal from a fight but I know we always ended it together.
So, for my mental health I have been listening to a guy by the name of Jay Shetty. He is a former monk and have a TON of inspirational and motivational videos on YouTube. I follow him on instagram as well. He speaks volumes to me. For whatever reason his messages make me really think and apply the thought processes to my life. His relationship videos make me thankful and appreciate my relationship and WANT to be better at being Chads partner. I have ordered the book called The Secret and plan to read that and want to look into Mindfulness. All of which is supposed to help you resonate positivity into your life in all aspects. Begin to react to situations differently. Begin to have more peace of mind and be in control of my reactions, feelings, mind-set etc. I feel this is what I need to do. I want to do.
I have a list of goals for myself that I want to CRUSH. I want to buy a notebook and keep a gratitude journal. I want to stop being so negative and stop complaining about things. I want to be a better person for myself and my family… my relationships around me. Chad and our family is very important to me. They are my world and make my life what it is but, for people like my mother who is always a negative nancy I feel if I can be more positive and possibly show her it can be done and how you act and react may help how others around you act or react to you. And the best part is, my sister is on the same page. Which makes me feel not so alone on this. Growing up we have always heard our mom yelling and we remember more negative than positive. My dad was always calm and not so over powering. For us, the older we get the more we see our mom in us and we know that if we don’t want to be what we know to be instilled into us we have to start by working on us. We don’t want to ruin the relationships we have now.
I know Chad has tried to be the most positive guy. He works towards just having a positive outlook and attitude towards work and home life and I know that me being down and grumpy.. aggravated and our 2 little monkeys pushing buttons can damper that. I don’t ever again want to be the person that makes his good positive mood go away. I want to be that safe haven for him. The one person he can’t want to come home to and talk to. My communication skills suck with him because I fear making him mad. (Side note, he reminds me so much of my mom when he gets mad). I want to be able to discuss any and everything and not feel I can only text him about it. One thing Jay Shetty had mentioned was write it down and find a healthy way for us to communicate whatever it is that is bothering us. Because bottling it up and letting it explode one day when we let all of these little things build up becomes a HUGE ordeal and all of our comments and remarks are just hurtful, awful word vomit. One thing that stuck out is the neurological chemical released for anger in the brain actually only lasts for 2 seconds. That is it. 2 whole seconds, it is completely up to you to continue to stay mad. And both Chad and I are guilty of this. Think, if I bit my tongue instead of attacking through a text, I would probably ignore a whole negative situation from occurring. Taking those few seconds to breathe and calm myself and not say something I could regret, that could save us from an awkward night of not talking, not looking at one another. Not going to bed with our backs towards one another or if something is said, it could be us both defending our point of view and feeling unheard. Slammed doors and so many unnecessary comments. Who wants that?
In the past week I have meditated twice. Once was just a relaxation one where I laid down and allowed every fiber of my being to just relax, It helped me de-stress and I actually went about my day with less anxiety. Yesterday I tried a mindful meditation that was longer but I learned how to breathe properly and with this breathing technique, I can use it when I am feeling overwhelmed with feelings and want to just blow up. I would love to pick up Yoga again and begin reading, meditating and yoga to help focus all my negative energy elsewhere. My family deserves the best of me. And I deserve the best of me too. After the baby, I want to get back into the gym. Working out and tanning makes for a whole world of difference! Tanning helps me feel better(When I Am Tan Everything Is On Point Lol) and when I work out, I get that time away from the house, to have my own identity and feel like a person of society. Not just a mom. Not just someone who stays at home. Not just the “house wife”. I have complained to Chad so many times how I want to go and I need to get out and do something without the kids and I felt like I was beating a dead horse. Like he just doesn’t get it and reading/listening to a lot of stay at home moms, we all feel the same. That we gave up a lot when we stayed home.
I don’t have a daily friend I talk to except Chad and well, he is a guys guy… he doesn’t want to hear about my daily habits…that are the same…everyday. Like I mentioned, I don’t have a running vehicle so I can’t just get up and go to the store when I need something or go somewhere just to leave the house and feel like a human being! I don’t get to have adult conversations during the day. My 3-year-old is a growing little being but she only wants to talk about princesses, peppa pig, mickey mouse, watch her tablet, play barbies and she has her 2-year-old brother who is her best friend. I just wish he understood how being enclosed is killing me inside. Not that I want to go back to work, I LOVE being a stay at home mom but it is hard to say that and discuss this whole stay at home loss of identity and being happy thing.
Does not help that I am now 30 weeks pregnant. I have a very active child in my stomach and my stomach is huge. I had energy for a whole 2 months and now I am right back to always having tired and heavy eyes, my body is restless. I know in 3 months I am having my stomach re cut open to have another baby. The stress alone of having a third baby is overwhelming. If I do say so myself, I feel as though a lot of the pressures, standards, and what is expected of me is sometimes just over seen as “just my job”. It is not easy to take care of 2 toddlers, 3 dogs, a cat, a grown man, laundry, cleaning, and trying to find time to take care of me. Me. Where is my Me time? When do I get a break? After everyone is asleep and the dogs are down? Nope. I just lay in bed stressing. Worrying. Thinking.
I just hope that over the course of the next few months, I am able to find balance, peace and be a happier person for myself and my family. I hope that in the course of a year I am in a much better position than I am now. Less stress, more organized and more capable of being a better and suitable stay at home mom and wife. I pray to God I find some clarity soon.