Welcome To 2019!

New Year New…. Me?

Welcome to the 2019 year! How exciting is it everytime January 1st rolls around? New goals, resolutions, new traditions etc. I had babbled so much about wanting to get my act together last year and never did anything about it. I was so discouraged with myself I would just let myself get in a funk and practically curl up in a ball in my head and just sit down. Do nothing. Pathetic, right? I know. But sadly, the overwhelming feeling most moms get from being a stay at home mom is so real and so very common just, well, not talked about.

I am not here to sugar coat my life. I am still a bit of a mess BUT I decided to take control of myself and my daily life. It has been 8 days into the new year and I feel awesome about the new choices I have have decided to make. Let me tell you a bit about what goals I set for myself for the year 2019!

  • My Happy Planner: So for starters, if you don’t know what a Happy Planner is, check out:: http://www.meandmybigideas.com/create365-thehappyplanner/ – for me this is an amazing way to start keeping track of EVERYTHING. And when I say EVERYTHING I mean literally EVERYTHING. Schedules for my neice and nephew, pick up and drop off schedules, dr appts, errands I need to run, grocery lists, to do’s, my house chores and cleaning lists.. just everything. I am so happy with this purchase. I went to Michael’s (They had a sale going on for the planners) and I got the Classic sized 18 month planner https://www.michaels.com/annual-organization-event/2019-planners-by-recollections-and-the-happy-planner/annual-storage-planners-2018  I suggest checking these out and seeing which one you would love more! Everyone wants something different. I paid $17.99 for the one I got and it is originally $29.99)..granted my planner actually started from last July to Dec. 2019 BUT the best part is, the pages are removable(I bought this one because I LOVED the layout of this one with the Monthly and weekly/daily pages). I love that I can decorate it and make it my own. I bought the Create 365 The Happy Planner- Planner Basic stickers at Hobby Lobby https://www.hobbylobby.com/Scrapbook-Paper-Crafts/Planners-Accessories/Stickers/Planner-Basics-MINI-Happy-Planner-Stickers/p/80848280  and some little ones at Michael’s. Seriously, look up Heather Kell on youtube and find the Happy Planner on instagram. I have found so many amazing ideas from these 2 places and OF COURSE Pinterest (:
  • Getting Up Early: Have you read “GET UP BEFORE YOUR WHOLE HOUSE” and cringed? Me too. I have a 4 year old, 3 year old and 6 month old… ain’t nobody wanting to get up earlier than 6:30AM to get “alone time”… But I do. I started getting up with my fiance at 3:00 AM or 4:00 AM. It makes for SUCH a long day but… I get up. I get my coffee and I can typically get 2 loads of laundry in. I clean up the kitchen and living room, do dishes, fold the blankets, make our bed, clean up the hallway and hall bath, I let my dogs out and feed them at this time, I meditate and I read a chapter in whatever book I am reading. Now that I have my planner, I sit down and make my to do list: cleaning list, where I need to go list, what I need to pick up list, any place I need to call list etc. I get about 2 hours of QUIET. It is exactly what my sanity needs. Granted, 5 and 6 in the evening roll around and I am almost dead to the world but, I am so glad I decided to start this.
  • Meditating and Reading: Let me start by saying I was AGAINST meditating. I precieved in such a negative and WRONG way. I thought I had to practice Buddihism to do this and YOU DON’T AT ALL! I was very ignorant about it. I take about 5-10 minutes and I meditate. It relaxes me, it lets my mind be clear and I meditate to youtube videos that guide me through. I Meditate for stress and anxiety relief and to be mindfull, grateful and happy. I love it . I feel so much better after. I have learned to do this BEFORE my coffee because my mind is everywhere instead of shutting up otherwise. I, right now, am reading ” Love Your Life,Not Theirs” by Rachel Cruze. My sister bought it for me for Christmas and I have not go too far into it but she is Dave Ramsey’s daughter sooo this should be a good book! The title itself is very intriguing given it seems we all love to judge out loves and envy others. Let’s be real, no one has their sh*t together 100%. Instagram photos are NOT reality. I do plan to start reading again “The Law Of Attraction” By Esther and Jerry Hicks. I started it before but the whole “entity” thing threw me off and made me feel very unfamiliar and scared to continue. But, I have watched MANY videos of Abraham Hicks and I am in a completely different place about the whole situation. If you have absolutely NO idea what I am talking about, Please, look them up.. Jerry and Esther that is. Abraham is the entity that speaks through Esther and gives the most incredible messages to people! I was raised pentecostal so this whole thing weirded me out at first until I watched the YouTube video of Abraham speaking of God. Changed my whole perspective, I even cried(shh…your crying I’m not crying). But I also want to start “The Secret” again as well!
  • Scheduling My Day: I have written so much about this in the past and I still suck at it. But, I am making sure that I am getting the things in that I need to get in. I do plan to start time blocks. So, setting a timer for like 2 hours to clean my upstairs, a half hour for the downstairs etc. I think I could benefit from this. Set one large task daily and even make the middle of the month have the tasks I need to be doing on a monthly basis.
  • Take Care Of Me: So I always put myself last. Never fails. I used to be the person who worked A LOT and had a gym membership, gto my hair done, nails done, tanned, shopped for me, bought whatever I wanted when I wanted it. Could stop and get coffee whenever and I could just run out the door! Uhm, that was a good 7+ years ago so that me is a faded memory. But, I have learned that doing something for yourself is so important and it took a while but fiance see’s this too. I make sure I dye my hair when I need to. I may not get to go to the nail salon and get my nails done but I will buy the nails at the store and put them on(cheap and dumb but it makes me feel good.). I also have bought FakeBake on Amazon.. it is by far the BEST self tanner I have used. I love it. I get the “darker”. It works really well and it makes me feel so much better about myself. I work out..when I can. This one is hard. I don’t have a gym membership yet so I use my couch, coffee table, ab roller, resistant bands, dumbbells… I use what i got. I do a lot actually when i do work out. I watch a lot of videos on instagram through hashtags and it all kicks my ass. So I recommend that.

So I am sure there will be more. My Goals I made the night of New Years Eve were to Declutter, Organize, Take care of myself, be a better partner in my relationship and find my niche. And what i mean by find my niche is I want to find what is going to make me happy and want to pursue to make a living. I follow Auntie Tay on youtube and instagram( I am not on facebook) and I love that she is doing what she loves! I bought a cricut because of her. I have actually used it for quite a bit. I love hobby-ish things but I also have always wanted to blog. I really just wan tto do something that is going to help someone love whatever it is I decide to do as much as I love it. If that makes sense? I am just a lost puppy over here at 30 years not just not sure what I wanna be when I grow up. sigh.

I have to go finish my cleaning before I shower. But I wanted to get on here and write a post for the new year! I am so excited to see what the new year brings for me and my family. Please leave your goals/ resolutions down below or what you are just looking forward to accomplishing for yourself or in life this year! I hope you all have an amazing day (:

Thank you for reading! Until next time..

Tosha

38 weeks pregnant

  • Week: 38 and 1 day
  • Baby size: Winter Melon
  • C-section:12 Days!

Had a doctor’s appointment yesterday, I am not dilated but they could feel baby head down and the heartbeat is nice and strong. Baby right now should be around 6-7 lbs and be around 19.6 inches long… My babies at birth have never weighed in the higher end(5lb 9ounces, 5lbs 5 ounces, 6 lbs 14 ounces) and this baby doesn’t feel like it will weigh very much either. Baby is shedding the white stuff that has been covering its body and just continues to gain some weight as we get closer to delivery!

As for me, my hips hurt, my lower back is hurting, I am getting a LOT of cramps all day(Braxton Hicks) and I am not feeling as hungry as I have been. I am craving watermelon though. Getting anxiety and nervous about my 4th c-section. It feels like it should be routine at this point but, I am still very nervous about having my stomach cut open again. insecurities show so much during pregnancy for me and I am definintly feeling some type of way about what if my body doesn’t bounce back like it has in the past. After my daughter, my metabolism sped up so, between breast-feeding and metabolism I have not had many issues getting back down to size. We will see how this one goes.

6.20.18

Had an appointment Monday(today is Wednesday) which is also my last dr. appointment before I deliver!! I was not checked this time since I will be a repeat c-section so my progress doesn’t matter apparently unless I go into labor and they feel dumb. I’m not bitter or anything. I would just much rather know if I am dilated or effaced enough to have to worry about going into labor. We shall see. As of tomorrow I have a week.. just a week until I meet this human being who has taken over my body. You may think that it should be nothing new to me being this is my 4th but it is just as exciting to have that new baby. Not to mention the nerves of having yet another c-section. Hopefully my healing process is awesome like the last few and I get through with no issues. Although my crazy household puts me on edge..

I have an almost 4-year-old daughter who will be amazing, I am sure a little overly nurturing but awesome with the baby and is very excited. My son who will be 3 in December… he is going to be lost. I may feel a guilty. He is my baby, losing Clay has made me really appreciate Christian so he gets a little more attention when I can give it. BUT he is a crazy kid lol, he is the one that loves to wrestle and play rough and pull on me and climb on me and just all boy there. I love it but it makes me very scared to recover with him.

6.22.18

Today marks my 39th week of pregnancy!!

  • week:39
  • baby size: pumpkin
  • c-section: 6 days!

Okay so I told myself I would have 2 separate posts going for 38 and 39 weeks but I really slack in keeping up here. I am now at my 6 day count down for this baby. I finally got my swing ordered. Only took me 39 out of 40 weeks to make that happen. No biggie. Amazon prime is my best friend right now lol. As of today I have almost everything I need. Lets be real, you won’t ever be 100% prepared for baby…i don’t care who you are. What you have. Where you live. What their nursery has or looks like…. You just can’t ever be 100% ready or prepared for bringing home a new life.

Why do I say this? Because babies are people too who can be picky. Some have allergies to certain things. Those 15 binkies you bought, they could spit them out and not take them. Those bottles you thought would be amazing? They don’t like the nipple on it. Your boobs? Oh yeah, they probably won’t feel the best after a few days and even if they are bruised, cracking, bleeding etc., you still have to feed your baby(If you are planning to breastfeed of course) so you are either suffering through the pain of the babies suction or your breast pump. Sorry ladies. Not to mention your recovery.

Speaking of recovery… I have been reading some post partum must have survival guides….. oy. I have repeated numerous times I am a c-section mom. I chose c-section with my first so he didn’t have to go through the stress with his heart, my daughter I almost had a uterine rupture, my second boy I opted because well my hemorrhoids were so bad I couldn’t move… this baby being my 4th I really had no other option but to take on yet my 4th c-section. We will find out if i will be able to have one more baby and if not, I will look into having my tubes tied.

Any who…

I have also read that c-section moms have the easy way out(SERIOUSLY?!?!?) or we just didn’t put in enough effort or whatever people’s perceptions are but in all honesty, I have had my stomach and uterus CUT OPEN.. I endured way more pain after delivery, I have pushed myself to walk to a bathroom and felt my legs shake as I tried to pee for the first time alone or stand for a shower. I pushed myself up to feed my baby at night without using abdominal muscles… it is not an easy process. But whatever, all moms have their babies.

My personal survival kit post partum usually consists of…

  1. a nursing bra: I breast feed so I usually wear the nursing bra under a tank and an over shirt. I do this so my belly doesn’t show and I have an extra layer of clothing to feel a little covered while feeding.
  2. Boppy Pillow: I say this because it truly helps while feeding and helps with the holding that weight when the baby starts gaining. Plus to be completely honest you will come than likely fall asleep during a late night feeding at some point through your exhaustion and Lord knows that pillow being there is a life saver when baby unlatches and you both are asleep.
  3. Colace/Ducalox: Just to be honest here, going to the bathroom after a c section isn’t exactly delightful. Taking a stool softener and a gas relief tablet helps SOOO MUCH!! I remember I did not take the stool softener and they make you poop before you leave… that was so bad. omg. Don’t miss your stool softener. The hospital usually provides a pack to take home with you but just to be safe I would say buy some extras.
  4. PADS: I am going today to buy my essentials for recovery and this is at the top of my list. The hospital will give you a few of the over grown pads that truly are a blessing but after you run out of those, you will want heavy-duty pads to replace them with. In all honesty, depends probably wouldn’t be a bad idea for this occasion buuuuuut I am 29, I am not about to go that route just yet. Lol. so I will say..
  5. Underwear: For c-section, I would recommend high-waisted if possible… the hospital will provide the most AWESOME(sarcasm) mesh underwear which honestly I use the first week home even if they are completely unattractive but hey, they are comfy and I don’t have to worry about ruining a good pair out of my drawer. High waisted underwear helps not to irritate the scar. Which believe me, you would much rather keep everything away from the scar as much as possible for the first few weeks.
  6. Squirt Bottle: Not like the ones you buy at the grocery for spraying plants or in my case, my dog to teach her no.. At the hospital they will provide an easy squirt bottle that is yours for the keeping. You will fill it with warm water and after you pee you use it to clean off instead of worry about wiping. It is a definite must have!
  7. Breast Pads: I feel like if you are breast feeding this is a no brainer but… sometimes I forget essentials too. They will forever be your best friends while breast-feeding. Sometimes they don’t catch-all the leakage especially if you are about to have a let down and baby is crying and they just start going all on their own… So embarrassing. But breast pads are a must!
  8. Lanolin: Breast Feeding moms all around use this and for a good reason… it saves your nipples . Well keeps them feeling better. I finally learned from my mother in law how to properly latch the baby to feed and since then it has been a HUGE savior but, sometimes your nipples will crack and bleed and it can be pretty painful. Lanolin or A&D ointment helps a ton.

Other than that, wear comfy clothes that don’t stick to you and makes getting to your boobs easy. I REALLY wanted to try UpSprings C-Panty High Waist C-Section Recovery Panty but I didn’t end up having the extra $40 to spend on it. I would love to have it only because this is my 4th pregnancy… my 4th c-section and I do worry about how my body will heal. This recovery panty is designed to help with recovery(after the scar has healed) by helping with the uterus contraction, helps with weak muscles, reduces possible use of scar cream, incision bulge… I seriously need to find a way to get this lol.

 

6.25.18

I have been nesting so hard lately! I seriously slack on this posting stuff so if anyone out there ever comes across this, I sucked. haha. I have cleaned the kids’ rooms, our room, both bathrooms, hallway, living room, took all the pillows and blankets in the living room and washed them, kitchen, laundry room, cats area, moved kids toys downstairs, got the dogs cages cleaned out, took all of our bed linens this morning and washed them, put new sheets on the beds,.. I have been keeping up with laundry, I have been making sure to just try to make sure that come Wednesday evening I have the bare minimum to do because I don’t want to have to come home and be overwhelmed by things. It amazes me the small things you see when you nest. I ended up spending a half hour on our fan in our room the other day because I noticed dust on our closet doors, so i cleaned the ceiling fan and the fan we have on the floor. Today I will get our vent up top in our room. I need to finish wiping down walls and all sorts of things. I am rambling…

Today I have to also make sure the kids things are almost packed for their stay at my parents while I have the baby. They will leave Wednesday night and I won’t have the back home until Monday. Since that is the case, I will be home Saturday evening and get to spend some time with the new baby and adjust a little. Get the dogs use to the baby. I told Chad to go ahead and work Friday but I would rather him be home Monday so I have him here with me when the kids get home and I don’t have to worry about anything. The dogs and my son are my biggest worries and I REALLY hope they all surprise me and act amazingly. It is also nice that the 4th is that Wednesday so I will have Chad home with me Saturday, Sunday and Monday and then again on Wednesday. Such a sigh of relief about that. Recovery is the part I fear the most. I will need 2 weeks at minimum of not lifting my kids. That is going to be the hardest part since here lately they have been extra clingy and wanting mommy to baby them.

In three days everyone’s lives are about to be changed by a new human life. How crazy. I am going through the same guilt stage I did with my daughter. I feel like I may be gyping my 2 on time with me. Things will change when the baby is here and they all have one another but man, the mom guilt can be real. I just know my mom had me and my brother and then when my sister came along it was not a big deal. Me and my brother were 7 years apart and me and my sister are 4 years apart. Good age gaps but mine are 15 months apart and then my son and this baby will be 2 and a half years apart almost to the date and then my daughter turns 4 in August.

I have been getting very uncomfortable at night. Leg cramps, can’t get positioned properly to sleep soundly. I am sure anxiety is not helping I am just ready to get this week over with. Baby is crammed in there and not able to wiggle around as much. I think we are all just ready and again we are BEYOND ready to find out the gender!!

But I am off of here, finishing my cleaning and final touches on the house. I will be sure to start my posts on recovery and baby asap.

If you come across my blog posts and find them helpful by any means, thank you. I write these so I can eventually make notes for my baby so they know everything I went through.

Until Next Post…

Love,

-Me ♥

37 weeks, hospital bags and more.

  • Week: 37 and 3 days
  • Baby size: Romaine Lettuce
  •  C-section: June 28th(17 days♥)

We are at 37 weeks and 3 days. It is crazy to think in only 3 days we will be 2 weeks out from having yet another newborn in our lives!! My appointment last Monday went well, I gained a pound and I am now going to start going weekly to appointments. I have one this Friday. I still need to be vaccinated for whooping-cough as well. But it is time to get all the last-minute things in place.

So far these last few days have not been an easy start to my almost end. I cleaned our kitchen for 6-7 hours on Saturday. You wouldn’t think there is that much to do in a room but omg. I cleaned out and on top of the fridge, cleaned the floors and table and counter tops and everything on the counter tops. I pulled the dog cage out and cleaned behind and around it. I cleaned the tops of cabinets and reorganized cleaned the inside of the cabinets. I even went as far as to clean the dogs bowls… its was insane. But I still have to get to the base boards and another 2 cabinets and a drawer a few other things put into proper places. But it has begun! I have also got lucky and got acid reflux like crazy. I have always gotten acid reflux during all my pregnancies but this weekend it was really bad. I also went to go to bed saturday and some how tweaked my back again. Which is really discouraging. I am not a fan of being immobile. So today is hot and cold compresses and rolling on a tennis ball to help. I have so much I want to get done! Baby will be here soon and I don’t want to have a messy crazy house. The last thing I will want to do when baby comes home is clean anything.

I am pretty sure knowing that I am going in for another planned c-section causes me more anxiety than needed for this baby. I remember with Camryn I was so excited to try vaginal delivery and when I heard her heart rate kept dropping with every contraction I was perfectly okay with a repeat c section. With Christian I was so miserable with the biggest hemorrhoids of my life that I opted for c-section at 37 weeks and had him at 39 weeks and 6 days… After your 3rd you really don’t have another option. I truly am okay with c-sections but for whatever reason i still get extra nervous and anxious but really right now I am more excited at the same time to meet this little human being and be done carrying this babe. That sounds awful but this is my 4th. I am tired. My body hurts. I want to sleep on my belly again. I won’t have a lot of my body to myself until after I am done breastfeeding anyways but Lord, I am done being pregnant.

As for our Hospital Bags! 

I have had our bags ready for weeks actually..well mine and babies. Chad’s I am going to get together this week. He doesn’t need much. I don’t expect him to stay because he HATES hospitals But I will list what I think he will like having. Here is the thing, I have read all of these checklists on Pinterest… they are nice refreshers on some things BUT a lot of the stuff people bring is just irrelevant IMO. Unless the hospital provides you nothing then some of the lists are great! In my experience the hospital provides you most of the things you need for recovery. So I won’t need to pack pads, a squirt bottle for cleansing “down there” after birth.. things of that nature. Ask your hospital or doctors if you will need to pack these things. I doubt it will be needed.

My Bag:: So as for me, I get really nervous I will hate what I bring. First of all, I know I am staying a few days. I am not going to be in the mood to change much that first day. I will be recovering with baby and I will be mostly groggy and the day will be a jumbled mess. Day 2 and 3 I will be able to walk around a bit and get myself put together.. possibly shower. So I packed this stuff.

Clothing:

  1. 2 nursing bras
  2. underwear(no seams are amazing)
  3. Socks(Just my regular socks they provide no slip socks usually)
  4. maxi skirt
  5. maternity gauchos
  6. 3 comfy tops/2 tanks
  7. a cardigan
  8. a button up
  9. a sweat shirt
  10.  flip-flops and slippers
  11. sweat pants

I still need to get nursing tanks and some more underwear. But this should be enough. Now as for toiletries..

toiletries:

  1. Make up bag(I would say if you have any compacts with mirrors or like in my case I have a Revlon eyeshadow pallets with a mirror TAKE IT you won’t want to be standing putting make up on at the hospital)
  2. a brush
  3. clips
  4. Contacts and Solution
  5. Glasses holder and cleaner
  6. deodorant
  7. a little bag for my jewelry
  8. Toothbrush and toothpaste
  9. nursing pads
  10. body lotion
  11. hair straightener

I will shower the night before or morning of the surgery. I usually wash my hair once or twice a week so my hair should hold up just fine lol. I don’t have a camera so my phone will suffice so I will pack a charger. I won’t be bringing my laptop.. they have tv there and most tv stations I watch. I will also bring my own pillow and a blanket from home.. I believe other than our first I have done this. It is nice to have your own pillow, they are usually softer and my blanket just because theirs never seem to keep me warm.

For the Baby! ::

So we didn’t find out the sex of the baby. This makes it a little tricky BUT I managed lol. I always over pack for baby just because I won’t know what I decide to put them in to come home, So here is the list for baby.

  1. Boppy Pillow
  2. a blanket for each sex
  3. a receiving blanket for each sex( I bring my own to go home with, the ones in the hospital are GREAT for spit ups and cleaning up things for you and baby so I usually end up with a stack from the hospital lol)
  4. a unisex sleeper
  5. 2 or 3 onesies for each sex
  6. A bring home outfit for each sex
  7. socks
  8. hats for both sexes
  9. 2 unisex outfits

So clearly I packed a lot for the baby lol. The best part is, my fiance will be back and forth from home and hospital so I won’t need to worry about taking too much home. I can send him home with what ever sex’s clothing I won’t be using. I also have car seats for each sex. The infant car seats my 2 now were in don’t expire until 2020/2021 so I am set on those.

At H&M I bought 2 tote bags that they sell for 1-2 dollars a piece. They are HUGE and hold a TON! I highly recommend if you don’t want to be carrying all of these things in and out. I actually have my clothes and toiletries bag in one tote and the babies things in another. I have put both of these in 1 luggage bag to take. So much easier lol.

As for my fiance..::

So, he will more than likely stay one or two nights. He hates hospitals but mostly hates sleeping there since he doesn’t get much sleep but hates being away! It is a catch 22. So I have been thinking about it.. at first I was thinking he is a grown man he can pack this stuff himself. But, I am at home and able to get some things ready for him so I will. I have an eye mask he will probably find very handy and I will more than likely pack him some ear plugs. This way the lights coming on and off won’t bother him and the doors and monitors won’t either. He will more than likely want a pillow and blanket from home as well. Since it gets cold, I will probably pack him his gym shorts and a pair of sweatpants, a hoody, t-shirts, tank, underwear and socks. He will come home to shower so I don’t need to worry about outfits and he will grab his toothbrush and things that morning.

As long as I don’t go into labor, I plan the week of the babies arrival to make sure all linens are fresh and clean, that includes the kids’ things. Make sure the kids bags are packed. Make sure the cat’s litter box is good and cleaned out properly, make sure the dogs cages are clean and make sure someone will be here on and off to let them out and feed them. Make sure to dust and make sure everything is in the places it should be. Make sure where the baby will be sleeping is set up and in place.. I say that because I keep the baby next to our bed for the first 4-6 months since I breast feed and can just pick baby up and put them in the bed with me or go sit and feed in the living room.

I will be back with a post for our 38 weeks update (:

Until next time,

Love , me!

Hello to 36 weeks!…tomorrow (:

  • Week: 34
  • Baby Size: Size of Butternut Squash

Doctors appointment went well! I have gained around 27 lbs give or take.. they weighed me right after I ate. Everything is okay with me and baby so far. I am just crampy a lot, lots of hip pains and uncomfortable at night.

  • Week: 35
  • Baby Size: Size of a Pineapple

I am CRAVING Dairy Queen Banana Split! I am very tired and lacking energy but starting to nest. And when I say nesting I mean crazy maniac nesting. I took 3 and a half hours going through and reorganizing our hall bathrooms closet. I have so far cleaned our entire downstairs, laundry room including the inside of washer and dryer, cats area in the crawl space, have gone through numerous tubs of clothes/hats/bottoms/socks/sleepers and have everything NB washed and put up for baby, I have my bag packed and my toiletrese, babies bag packed, Boppy pillow cleaned and covers cleaned, carseats cleaned and ready, Dog cages are cleaned out, vacuumed the stairs, cleaned our foyier, wiped down base boards, hand rails, walls around the stairs, have reorganized my daughters room, about to do the same for my sons since he just got a whole load of toys handed down to him, working on our room… I have a list of things still to do like dust the fans and blinds, make sure to wipe down all appliances and surfaces with lysol… there is still some I can’t think of that when I look at things I am like “man I need to organize that and clean that are up.”. It is getting real.

The baby has been pushing down and a few weeks ago I had contractions for about 30-45 minutes back to back it was weird. Since then i think I have had 2. I really am hoping my body just kind of goes in labor so I can get this baby out. With my hips and lower back, middle of my back feels like I have pain of either side of a vertebrae that is very bothersome and makes me feel like I need to stretch or pop my back. I have been trying yoga moves and stretches to help but it only last for a short while. I am very moody too. But back to baby, it is in constant movement. It doesn’t have much room in there so every little move makes my belly move all over the place.

My male dog has been acting a little different… I keep paying attention because I have 3 dogs and I want to see if they react differently to me the closer I get to having the baby. I don’t want to get my hopes up on my dog because well, I thought I was going to go early with my son Christian and if it were up to him he would have stayed in my belly for another week or 2. Luckily he was taken planned c section at 39 weeks, 6 days BUT when they did the c section they actually had to push him down to get him out. Never heard of this lol but it happened. This baby is scheduled for 39 weeks 6 days as well, I had my daughter at 39 weeks 5 days but actually went into labor and ended up having to have a c section. So 39 weeks and 6 days seems to be my delivery pattern except I had Clay at 38 weeks.

As of tomorrow..

  • week: 36
  • Baby Size: Papaya

I will have an appointment on Monday. I should get my whooping cough vaccine and get my group B strep test done as well. Maybe even get checked to see if I am dialating. But hopefully I will get another update up soon. This is all almost over.

 

Until next time,

Love, Me

33 weeks 5 days

As of lately I have been just so exhausted. We are approaching week 34 and I am just getting more uncomfortable. Sleeping on my right side is more comfortable to sleep on with the pillow in between my legs. My appetite is about the same I just really want to sleep. I never feel rested. I did have some energy when we got out this past weekend to Chad’s moms for mothers day. The heat was draining thought but we had a good time and I was happy to be out and feel energy.

Baby is kind of all over the place. I am having a lot of period like cramps which even being my 4th kid I have to question if I am having contractions. Pretty sure these are contractions since they seem to be continuous and not easing when I move. Before it just felt like some tightening on my uterus that didn’t last. As long as baby stays in there for another 3 weeks(as of Friday) They won’t stop labor, they will go ahead and take the baby out.

I have to admit though, I am in a constant panic of my uterus rupturing. I am terrified that I won’t know and me and baby will be at serious risks. Being this is my 4th c-section baby and they thought I was going to have one with Camryn, I get very worried. I shouldn’t, but you really don’t know how much your uterus can hold after it has been cut open that many times. Its a whole new ball game for me this time. The anxiety takes away from joy at times and that isn’t fair.

I am still stressed about having things for the baby… I really don’t know why. I just really wanted to be more prepared. Believe me, regardless how many items you have, clothes you have, binkies, bottles, socks, shoes, bows, hats and so forth, you are never 100% ready to have a baby. But, I really wanted to have all new everything for this baby. But I was able to go through the old clothes I have of Camryn and Christian’s and found nb and 0-3 month clothing so I washed what I had. Found my girl bopee cover and my breast feeding drape. I found the other bopee my dad had bought me while I was in the hospital with Christian and that one is solely for breastfeeding and wraps around your waste and snaps. pretty nifty but I definintely LOVE the original bopee, it comes in handy for a LOOOOONG time. I actually have to hide the one we have because these two will play with it constantly lol. The thing is, I am sure I have said this over and over again in previous posts but I am just going off of what is on my mind right now, this baby is going to be born in June… I won’t need many clothing items. White and Grey onesies would work perfectly with some shorts and socks. I have been looking at grey and white sleepers, receiving blankets, I need bottles( I will be breastfeeding but I love using Avent or Dr. Brown bottles when I heat the breast milk.), binkies, a swing, a mattress for the crib which to be honest the baby won’t be in it until around 4-6 months but I just wanted to be prepared.

I plan to breastfeed for at least 6 months…. and I know that will be a struggle. I know that with Clay, I had to pump and that was hard to keep up with. Camryn was hard because Chad ended up in the hospital when she was 2 weeks old and I got our schedule messed up with being back and forth in the hospital with him. Christian… I think that was more diet related but I was not producing enough for him to get enough from me. He was my biggest baby all the way through even to now though. So I am hoping this baby I can have a much healthier diet. I do know that taking Greens will help with making more milk which is awesome because I have numerous containers from when I was selling it works! and I actually really like it blended in protein shakes or fruit smoothies etc. Anyway I can get them I will take them. I do have 2 pumps already but was looking into getting another free one to try through insurance. I should look into that.

I don’t think I have gained any if much more weight from my last dr appointment. I had stopped eating a bunch of things that would be a factor in weight gain…but then Chad bought me a cheesecake, and ice cream and cookies. I love them all but goodness. Lol. I will find out Monday since I had to reschedule. I don’t have a vehicle right now so I am just kind of getting where I can when I can. I am supposed to have an echo done on the baby too and I can’t get there. It is so frustrating not having my own running vehicle. Luckily my sister in law helps me a TON.

We are also gearing up for a mostly tech free summer with my neice (9) and nephew(11) who will be spending their days with my 2 and 3 years old. Which I will have a running vehicle soon so I won’t have much to worry about. We can get out and go to the parks, meet up with Chad’s mom for the Zoo, maybe go get ice cream… do things. Get out. But the older 2 are going to do activities with my 2 which will be wonderful when the baby comes. I am HOPING  they will be able to distract them enough that I won’t have to worry much about my stomach for the first few weeks. I know Christian right now is all about being up in my lap and things and my dogs are all about wanting to jump up when we get home and they are excited. I am trying to teach my puppy to calm down when she sees me and listen to my commands. Sophie is my chi and she is so tiny her little body won’t hurt anything LOL but these 2 are going to be new territory for me. My sharpei boxer and boxer/husky-pitt mix love to jump and get all rowdy when they are excited. Soooo hopefully I can teach them when I say certain things to listen. or I will walk in with my foam bat that I use to scare them out of what they shouldn’t be into (LOLOLOLOLOL). On top of my dogs, I am trying to teach Christian to walk to bed at night instead of being carried. Which he is my baby so I wanted to baby him as long as possible before this baby but I may have shot myself in the foot a little with it. I am sure everything will be okay, I just panic and stress about things that really may not need to be worried about. I am sure the dogs will be very protective of the baby and the babes will love the new baby just as much as we do. I just won’t know until the day comes.

I better stop here. I could go for hours on nonsense and I have things to clean, laundry to put away and start a load and get myself put together to feel a little more energized. I will do a 34 weeks update just not sure if it will be this Friday or Monday after my appointment.

Until next time,

-Me

Affirmations

Today I want to talk about affirmations.

If you don’t know what affirmations are, they are positive or motivating short sayings you say to yourself daily. So, for example you can tell yourself every morning “I am going to have a good day today”. You say this before you get out of bed. You say this before your feet hit the ground! If you are struggling with loving yourself, you would say “I am beautiful. I am enough. I am worth loving. I am strong. I am…” you get the idea I think. You can say daily affirmations about any aspect of your life that you want to manifest something into.

On Instagram today I posted something I found on Pinterest. It says “It takes 21 days to start and a habit and 90 days to create a lifestyle.”. Can you imagine if you tell yourself for 90 days and believe yourself every morning or night that you say these affirmations how much of an impact you can have on yourself? I just think that these can be so powerful in anyones life! I can’t say everyday is going to be perfect, but you have the ability to let things make or break you. What good does it do yourself to be in a constant state of negativity? That isn’t healthy. I know that I am reading a book at Declutter your Mind. I found it on Amazon Kindle and signed up for their 30 day free trial. This book is amazing so far! It is explaining how to help yourself declutter your mind. Stop negative thoughts. How to stop and remind yourself to realize what you are thinking and if its negative you have the ability to stop those thoughts in their tracks.

Straying a little away from affirmation, but I believe in my last post I had mentioned meditation. It has opened all of these things up to me that I had buried and put away for what I thought was forever. Almost daily something new comes to the forefront and I am then put in the position to feel every feeling I felt and sort it out in my head and then let it go. I pray after I am done feeling what I feel and letting myself realize that situation was NOT my fault or WAS my fault and forgive myself or that person that caused me these hurtful feelings. I pray for the forgiveness to stay with me for that situation and then I go to bed. So far i feel a little weight off my chest. I still have some anxiety about things but I am hoping over the next few months I will learn to control the anxiety with breathing techniques and change of mind processes.

But I suppose every morning or evening I could tell myself “I am forgiving my past. I am no longer anxious. I am better than who I have been in the past. I love myself. I love my life. I love all I am today.”. There is a power in words, why not use that power on yourself to help you be a better version of yourself?

Just some coffee thoughts this morning while listening to this affirmation video and thinking before I meditate.

Until next time

Love, Me ♥

Beginning to my Journey

My last post about this was pretty open and honest so I am going to keep that momentum going here.

Over the weekend I did a few things that I read about in hopes of continuing this journey of mine. I have goals to find:

  1. Self Love.
  2. Wealth/Abundance
  3. Inner Peace
  4. Pure Happiness
  5. Stronger and Healthier relationship
  6. Strength

So what do all of these mean to me?

In the last post, I was breaking down how much I don’t love me. That is above and beyond obvious to me. I have just let myself beat myself up. Allowing others negative opinions and views of me be the foundation of which I was trying to use to build myself. That doesn’t work. How can someone only think and hear negatively of themselves and think they are capable of be a strong and positive person who loves themself? Not possible. The issue I have is I was never taught HOW to just LOVE myself and not let those outside opinions and views affect me the way they have. It wasn’t just my peers, it was my family or ones close to me. Lets be honest while in school idk that anyone is left alone or not picked on. Sadly, if it isn’t being said to the persons face we now how this thing called internet that allows people to talk about others without the face to face interactions. I was a victim of both. But, I am here to talk about building myself up not dwell.

I must contradict myself though a little and say that in order to first start this process I feel I have to forgive anyone who caused me this hurt and pain. None of which know the impact they have had on me but, I am here today to say their words hurt and left a mark but I forgive them and I am working on letting myself be a better and happier person who wants to live off of my own perception of myself. If I lived to be this portrait in my mind of how others would like me to look, I would be spending numerous of dollars on plastic surgery. As much as I can remember of high school and middle school, I really tried to get along with everyone. I was a little bit of an outsider, a nerd in my eyes, but I always tried to be “cool” with everyone. But in my mind I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact you can’t please everyone and not everyone has to like me. So now, I am faced with figuring out how to allow myself to forgive each and every person who impacted me the way they have. Family, friends, peers, relationships. To all of these people who I felt I didn’t fit a mold for and wanted nothing else but to appease them. I feel I should tell myself I am sorry for allowing all of this to happen. If only my mind was as open and strong as I feel it is right this moment about all of this….

Over the weekend I created a thing called a vision board. What is a vision board? For those of you who do not know I am going to tell you what mine is and what is on it so that you have an idea. I will attach a photo as well. I was reading up on things to do to help me in the beginning processes of this mindfulness, affirmations, manifestations and working on self-love. One thing I knew about but hadn’t looked far into was a vision board. For me, I made one on my phone to look at everyday and I also I took a piece of computer paper, a stick of glue and got my box of old magazines out and started reading through and cutting out clippings(I used to do this in highschool for my scrapbooks and I loved it). I knew one of my goals is to find self love so I found all types of clippings that say things like “Love You” “Live the Life you Love” “This is your year!” etc. A lot of the things I want to manifest are things such as a vehicle, money… I want less stress and to be fit and so forth. So I found these clippings and started gluing! I really like the one on my phone as well..

This is the one I made on my phone. To go through them, I want to have longer and thicker hair, I want to be debt free, I want to fix my smile, I want to love myself, I want that beautiful freaking house, I want a SUV… I put a Honda pilot on this one but I really just want any 4wd or awd vehicle with 3rd row seating that isn’t a bulky vehicle. I am petite and me in large SUV’s is just comical. I love having my nails done and haven’t had them done in so long…Jen Jewell is one of my fitness goals! She is built so awesome, I follow her on instagram and love, love, LOVE her feed. I also want to get some awesome shoes….I have no converse in my closet which is crazy to me but I also want to just have an abundance of clothes and shoes….what girl doesn’t?? I can never find anything to wear, ha!

Then we have the one I cut and glued to… this is the front side. After I was finished I made sure to put it in a slip cover so that nothing would get damaged. I have toddlers and I used dollar tree glue sticks. I trust nothing lol.

And this is the back… it is a little more geared towards money and health.

I have not yet shown Chad but, I did break down to him Saturday through a text what all I have been going through over that past week and apologized for being the way I have in our relationship. I know that on both sides of this, neither of us have been healthy towards one another. I tried to be controlling and he was not giving me sense of security… I will spare you the details unless you really want to know my deepest darkest secrets lol. I just was not the type of person that I should be. We both broke trust in numerous of ways, you don’t have to go out and cheat to break trust. I have apologized for being this person that I don’t even know and told him I don’t blame him if he doesn’t forgive me, my track record with him has shown so many times that I shouldn’t be forgiven. I let him know that I don’t love myself and I am so sorry for looking to him for my affirmations and security about myself. That isn’t how that should be. I shouldn’t look to him to feel confident, beautiful, like I love myself because of him. NO! I should be confident in myself enough to not need to hear those things from him all the time. Or even expect him to be the one to make me feel secure. That just blows my mind typing this. It is the harsh reality of mine and I know many others. We look to someone else to make us feel a certain way when all along we should be saving ourselves. Be your own hero, dammit!

So any who, after I made the board and confessed to Chad and had a nice long cry, I continued reading other blog posts about finding self-love. This is not an easy journey. I can’t just say “Oh, okay. I am better. i love me.” Nerp. Not happening. This process can take YEARS! But the most important part is to start loving me for me. For who I am. For what I bring to the table. Find ways to help myself be that happy person who does things for themselves. Right now, I have no vehicle, I am 8 months pregnant and have 2 toddlers. I don’t have me time or many ways to get it. So, I have found meditation. I have to say, my whole life I have been skeptical of meditating. Sounds crazy but I was brought up pentecostal and well, I felt I would be betraying God in some way by allowing myself to meditate. I felt I would be praising Buddha, which by all means that man was smart and wise. Meditating saves my soul, lol. I had read though that when you begin meditating and allowing your brain to shut off the world around you, in my own terminology, I opened a lot of boxes I had pushed into the deepest parts of my brain. Boxes that hold a lot of emotional collateral. I have found myself with a very jumbled and emotionally distraught thought process. Sorting all of this is going to take time but I believe this is what I need to do. Opening this black veil and allowing myself to push through and toss out all of the things that are weighing on my mind. Things that I didn’t even realize were there.

In all of my relationships, I always felt I was not good enough. I have always had men that never gave me that feeling that I didn’t need to doubt my role in their life. My first real relationship when i got out of highschool was beyond toxic. Drugs were chosen over me all the time. If it wasn’t drugs it was alcohol and at 18 years old, neither of us acted 18. We grew up watching our parents fight and saw physically abusive lifestyles through our moms and that is what we knew so that is how we acted out on one another. More me than him I must admit. But, we were still kids. We didn’t have any ounce of maturity at that time. My second… somewhat relationship.. was with a guy I had been on and off with since I was 15. We never lasted more than a couple of months but we tried again and again. I found out he was still seeing his ex and that he was talking to other girls. He always stopped talking to me because he found the next best thing. That is pretty damaging to a young girl. I thought it was all MY fault. Lets be real, it was all his own fault. I did nothing wrong and I was always there for him. He wasn’t mature enough either at the time to try to have a relationship with me. And now I see that. I see that it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t push him into someone else’s arms. To be honest I still feel guilt towards that, my brain is getting it but my stomach feeling and heart hasn’t let go of the pain. That sounds so sad. My 3rd relationship was with a guy named Jimmy. He was the first guy younger than me that I dated. That relationship was so much more than I had before. He had his life together. We hit it off so very quickly and moved in together. My family thought he was the one for me and he thought the same. That situation is very messy because he died of an accidental overdose and I was in the bed with him when it happened. The dumbest mistake was he decided that since he was mad at me, to make ME mad he was going to take his cousins prescription pills with her. Long story short, I had no other choice but to let that go. The what if’s don’t haunt me like they use to. It took me 2 years to start wanting a relationship and that is when Chad came along.

I wish I would have taken those 2 years to find myself. Build myself up and go through this process. I told Chad though, timing is everything. I just wish it wasn’t when I am close to 30 and 8 months pregnant but, better late than never I suppose. It is crazy though because I have watched Chad find who he is today over the last 7 years. He isn’t perfect, he isn’t always upbeat, he still has times where he reflects on himself and get quiet and down. But he has been going through this same process I am going through now since he was 18. I just don’t feel he let the proper support system be there for him. When I told him everything Saturday he told me he is here for me and will always be. He wants me to open up to him and be my comfort. That meant absolutely everything to me. When we first got together we spent those first few months just spilling everything to one another. All our feelings, past experiences… name it we talked about it. And over the years of breaking our trust for one another and going through all we have (It has NOT been an easy almost 7 years), we lost our communication and ability to be this disgustingly happy couple. But I want to get back there with him. I do love him and I want our family. I want our relationship to be the best it can be. I want us to be so financially stable and live comfortably. I want us to have a relationship outside of our family life together. I want us to be our own kind of perfect.

I have said this to so many people around me that I want to get back into the gym. After this baby I know I will have to wait 6-8 weeks and then I can start my journey of fitness all over again! After I had our son, I actually started to look exactly how I wanted my body to shape. Then I hurt my foot. But the process took me about 7 months to get where I wanted. The awesome thing is, your muscle memory is by far the greatest thing ever so hopefully it won’t take me as long to get close to where I was. The thing about working out for me is it gives me that time to myself. To be a person, not just a mom. Getting out of the house with these 2 even for an hour makes a world of difference on us all. We seem happier and i am ready to start tackling shit when I get home. Working out is a huge stress reliever also and I know when I was going regularly I started to feel so much better about myself. I smiled a lot more and being tan has always made me feel better.

I may sound completely materialistic or high maintenance in this post, that isn’t really me lol. I just for once in a long time want to feel good. Look good. Love who I am and what I see in the mirror. I want to be mentally strong and no matter what I hear about me or anyone says or does, I want to be strong enough to not let myself fall. Not be  victim to someones words about me. I have so many imperfections that if you asked me what I love about myself, I would only say my eyes and that is because my whole life I have been told how gorgeous they are. That’s pretty much it. I don’t love my body, my shape, my curves, my face, my skin, my smile, my hair….I am just not at all happy with who I am today. Hell, I am not even a fan of my personality most days. I just feel so bitter and cold and mean some days. That isn’t who I remember myself being. But I am a work in progress.

For now, I am off to meditate, take some Tylenol and drink my one cup of coffee. Work on my nesting and hopefully start going through these baby clothes. from my two and getting things out and cleaned. I can’t belive as of this Thursday I will have 7 weeks left until I meet this baby. What a time to start finding myself, eh? To whoever finds my posts, I hope you enjoy them. I hope that through my process I help someone else in theirs. This stuff isn’t easy. I just want to love me, be a good mom, a good partner and find a way for our family to live comfortably. I don’t need to be a millionaire, I just want to be financially stable, debt free and happy. I could keep writing for days but I have been at this for about an hour and a half so I am seriously stopping myself here.

Bye.

Love, Me♥

Me and Baby at Week 32(Hello Month 8)

We are at 32 weeks! I have my c section scheduled for June 28th so that gives me 7 weeks and 6 days as of today.

Baby is the size of a squash! Weighing in around 3-4 pounds and anywhere from 15-17 inches. Babies skin is becoming less translucent and is starting to gain fat. Baby so far is very active. Reacts to certain voices like daddys, hates it when anyone tries to lay on my belly. Reacts to music and I haven’t tried to light test yet to see if baby will move away from light. At this point, baby should be able to see light and its pupils will actual react as well by widening and constricting. Pretty cool, huh?

I have so far only gained 24 lbs. I didn’t gain any weight since my last 2 week appointment. I did cut out my root beer and all the snacky cake foods I had been eating so much of! I did, however, pick up my imfamous 3rd trimester craving of cereal. Ohhh my God do I LOVE CEREAL! Frosted Flakes with a banana cut up, Lucky Charms, a big one this time around is Capt’n Crunch PB Cereal <– my mouth is watering as I type this. I also have ate a lot of Apple Jacks and Golden Grahams seem to hit the spot too lol. Needless to say, all 4 pregnancies have given me this craving so many its the whole grains? This whole pregnancy I have loved the milk from cereal, which I don’t remember if that was the case with the other 3. I didn’t keep a journal like I wish I would have.

So far no new stretch marks for me. I had gotten 2 from Clay at the bottom of my belly about an inch to 2 inches long… not dark. After my c section with him I thought I was just bruised. My hips KILL me this pregnancy though. They hurt horribly. I usually sleep on my left side with my legs bent and a pillow in between my legs which helps some but I wake up sometimes with pain from laying on that side too long so I have to roll to the right. Sleeping on my back is a struggle if I’m not propped up and at this point if I wake up on my back I have to roll to my side to sit up lol. It is a struggle. starting to get to that turtle stage. I am experiencing shorness of breath and having a harder time getting tasks done. My exhaustion is definently kicking in as well. A lot more foods are giving me heartburn/acid reflux which ugh it sucks but a anti-acid or 2 kicks it pretty easily. And I was in the shower and squeezed my boob a little and had some leaking…aka my boobs are making that milk baby!

I will be excited to see how I grow over the next few weeks, what my final weight will be and see if I go into labor on my own. This is crunch time and ugh am I starting to feel the stress a little. Not knowing the sex has made me not want to go spending crazy. But soon enough we will know if we have a baby Cali Rayne or Caid Renegade growing in my belly!

 

I read the book The Secret…

Today, I finished the book The Secret written by Rhonda Byrne. It took me a little while due to life and kids but I dedicated myself to finsih it. It really helped that everything I was reading made me stop and think. This book is truly an eye and mind opener.

Over the years I have allowed myself to fall victim to others criticism. To be told all of these negative things about myself. Allowed others opinions of me to break me down. That is NOT okay. Somehow I was never taught to love myself. I was never taught to drown out the hate from others, even my own family. It is amazing to me how by reading the things I have been reading, listening to the videos I have been listening to… I have opened my now jumbled mind to a whole new world. One that shows me all the things I had no idea I could have control over.

Thinking back now, I think of all the things that were said to me and all the people who said them. People that were close to me and people I didn’t know. It amazes me the impact words have on someone that is not mentally strong. I know I have been very good at putting on a hard exterior, but in reality I am so broken inside. I want to find inner peace within me and learn to love ME for ME. I am almost 30 years old and learing how to think differently is going to be a challenge but, I know this is something that I need to do. This is something that I want to do for not only me because I deserve to be happy in all aspects of my life but for my family. For my daughter who looks at me every day and says something positive.. she deserves to know to love herself because I don’t feel like my parents instilled that in me.

I can tell you times that my own mom would get mad at me and my sibling and the words she would say have stuck with us. She caled us dumb, stupid, idiots, I know she called me a bitch more than once.. she grew up in a homes that did not potray love the way I think it should be shown. She did the best she could I believe but through her madening rages and depressive states, she said and did a lot of things that have stuck with me. I remember my dad telling me that one time I came home from school so excited because I finally got a good grade on my math test. First of all I hate math, HATE math and never just got it like my older brother did so this was a huge deal to me. I ran in the house yelling for my mom saying “Mom look! Look at my math test!!”.. because I closed the door loudly and ran up the stairs making a stomping noise she completely ignored my test and yelled at me. How heartbreaking it still is to me to hear that story. I was 7. 7 years old, and my dad says he thinks that is when I stopped caring about school.

I was never a big fan of school anyways. I wasn’t a part of the crowd I wanted to be in with the pretty girls who grew up to be those popular girls. I remember not having all the pretty gel pens that they had and my dad couldn’t get me because of his and moms divorce and him being strapped for money. They all got good grades, played sports, dated the cute guys etc…. I had thick glasses(which were large in size in elementary school) and I was born with eczema and hyperlinatia.. on top of that in elementary school my siblings and I all had warts show up on our legs and hands not many but enough that others would pick on me. I remember always thinking “If my hands looked normal, I wouldn’t get made fun of. If I didn’t wear these glasses, I wouldn’t get made fun of. If I dressed differently I would be liked.” First of all, no one should have these thoughts. But, i did. I thought this way until I dropped out my senior year. I still had boyfriends and got contacts eventually but I was never happy with me. I always felt I needed to fit a mold. I never took the time to love me for who I was and all i was already.

Now being in this relationship of almost 7 years, I realize so many things. First and foremost Chad loves me. He loves me for everything that I already am. That is by far the most beautiful thing about him. Since school there have been so many changes to me physically that I am not happy wtih. I HAVE to find a way to love those parts of me that I often find myself looking at and putting myself down for. My teeth, my skin, my body, my style, my mothering style.. to be honest I can’t say that I am happy or love any part of me. I love being my childrens mom and I love being with Chad but, as I have read time and time again, I can’t truly love him or my kids fully without loving me first. And now more than ever I see it is so true. SO TRUE! All of my insecurities of our past that I can’t let go of, all of the insecurities I hold above my own head… my eyes are so open to so many things now that I was blinded to see.

I have been listening to Jay Shetty videos on youtube and trying to find books on mind changing and mindfullness. I have been reading and listening about gratitude. How to manifest things into my life. I am on this journey to find love within me! I deactivated my FB and am thinking of doing the same with my instagram. Jay Shetty had a interview once that he spoke about a powerful reason you need to put your phone down. First of all, how true. Think of how many times you looked through your feed and compared your life to someone else’s… their bodies. He says

“Being able to overcome envy. Being able to overcome jealousy. Being able to overcome the negative of competitive state. There’s a positive competitive state and theres a negative competitive state. Today when people are looking on Instagram or Facebook or YouTube all you are looking at is that, “Oh she got that many likes, or he got that many likes. She got engaged, or he got married.” Or, “Oh my God look at her body, or look at that.” and it’s like that stuff’s destroying us inside. Envy, jealousy, ego, greed. To be able to have enough clarity to purify yourself of those things is going to alleviate the biggest anxities and depressions of our time and mental health problems. And we know that. We know that, because all the mental health research today suggests that things like isolation, over exposure we now can have more pain consumption in one day because of what we are exposed to than the pain we would have had in a lifetime.” 

First of all, let that sink in. Our day in age we have so many ways at our fingertips to be exposed to all of these things that allow us to compare ourselves, to let us wish we had this life or that life… I couldn’t have said any of that in a better way. It just hit me so hard when I heard that message.

So pretty much, at 30 years old, 32 weeks pregnant and raising 2 other babies and trying to be a partner to Chad, I have discovered I don’t love myself and need to find out how. Do I think this will be easy, Uhm probably not at first but I think I need to put forth as much effort as I can. Decluttering, practicing mindfullness, keeping a gratitude journal, meditating, waking up early to take care of things around the house and make sure I shower and put make up on etc… After baby get to the gym. Do things that make ME feel better and love ME. I have to be a little selfish and I have read that is completely normal and needed. I want to be the best I can be. I deserve it just as much as the ones around me.

It is amazing how you realize how many people talk negatively in times like this as well. My mom for example(my parents remarried after 20 years), she complains ALL THE TIME about money, work, kids, house chores, my dad, her vehicle… I seriously have NO IDEA how she is so negative. She has been my whole life until she was a preacher. And that didn’t last long. But as far as I can remember, she has been the mom that yells, hits, complains and never seems satisfied with any part of her life. No man is good enough, money isn’t good enough. Like I just can’t listen to it. I have to find a way to explain that to her without coming off in a rude or mean way.

That sounds so freaking harsh and I know it does, it feels harsh. But. for right now, I want to get my mind clear and unjumbled. I want to learn how to ignore negativity and sort my own brain and life out a bit. I have to start somewhere. After readin The Secrets chapter on The Secrets To You, I have wanted to make sure to try and make time for myself during my busy day. I got up that morning and took a shower, did my hair and make up, I painted my nails and even put my self tanner on(I’m pregnant, I can’t tan and its better than being over exposed to sun), I did 3 loads of laundry and cleaned some rooms up. There is so much more I want to do. I read living in clutter, clutters your brain and thoughts and makes you feel depressed and unmotivated. Uhm…SO FREAKING TRUE!!! I look around and get so overwhelmed that I just sit, and when I sit I scroll through my feed and when I scroll through feed I see girls, fitness models, negative news or posts…I am learning that I allow these things to consume me. I let social media to dictate how I view myself and my life. THAT IS NOT OKAY!!! What is WRONG with our society? A paragraph in The Secret talked about how the guy had stopped watching and reading the news because it was all so negative. When he eliminated that, he started to notice so many more negative things being eliminated. These things manifest. You think bad thoughts, you get bad results, You constantly say ” I hate that” ” I don’t want that” ” I am in debt” all of these negative thoughts and sayings only bring more negative. So, now I have to find ways to eliminate those things. Like I said this is going to be a journey and I really can not wait to share it all!

I am of to do my hair and make up and warm up my coffee. Start cleaning. Chad works 2nd shift tonight so maybe I can find something to declutter and help clear my mind a little bit. I am excited yet nervous for this process.

Love, Me

SAHM Struggles and How I Want to be Better

To just be real here, I am in a really weird spot in my life.  well as of today.

I will be 30 in October. I will have my 4th child in June. I haven had all 4 children with the same guy. We live in a nice house down here in KY. We have 3 dogs and a cat. We have moved up a lot from when we were living in a hotel for a few months while our first-born was in the hospital. Let me just say… our relationship has never been easy. We were only together a month when I found out I was pregnant with Clay. And then we broke up, and got back together..broke up again..there was a lot of back and forth between me and his ex who had his first daughter. A lot happened with Clay’s pregnancy and life and me and Chad were not steady. Exactly 2 months after I let Clay go, me and Chad got back together and 2 weeks later were moving into an apartment together.

5 years later here we are… we went from my moms to a hotel to our apartment to a 3 bedroom duplex to our home now. So many bumps along that path!! So many stressful times, split ups and heart aches. So many tears and yelling. So many nights of crying myself to sleep and wondering how I was going to make it through the next day without feeling like my heart was going to literally split in half. On top of all our money stressors and then me staying home etc. NOTHING HAS BEEN EASY! And I will never lie and say it has been because well, anyone who knows us knows we have come a long way.

But now being in this nice bi level 3 bedroom 3 bath home with all of our family here growing with the animals etc… we still can not escape our own stressors. Life is stressful. And throughout this process we have each grown in different ways. Chad has learned what being a partner entails for the most part. He knows what will hurt me and what will cause a fight if I were to find out things. He knows that our family comes before ANYTHING. He knows that being a great provider is not an easy task. He deserves the world, truly. He works his damn ass off!!! He is putting in sometimes 50+ hours a week and that is just crazy to me. I wish he could be home with us more but at the same time I support his work ethic and know that him being home will make him absolutely stir crazy. But, as I said he has grown so much and deserves so much praise and attention for his growth.

As for me, I am kind of lost. I feel like I have lost myself.. lost my identity. Lost knowing what really makes me happy. Being a stay at home mom, I wish it was as easy as people make it out to seem. But more recently so many moms discuss how it truly is. When we first decided I was going to stay home I really thought my life would be that perfect pinterest post mom! I would do crafts and have the cleanest house… have dinner made and all the laundry done. Be able to take the kids and do things all the time and lead this perfect life. Wellll, no one told me that it isn’t that cookie cutter. Especially for me. At the time, Camryn was 16 months when I had Christian who was only 4 months old when I left work to be a stay at home. I was a stay at home while pregnant with Camryn and up to 6 months after. But I went back to work and Ohh that consumed ALL of my time. I had Fridays and Sundays off to be with her/our family and it was so rough. But being home with my 2 babies brought me so much Joy at first! I was so happy and they got to be with momma. It didn’t take long though, I craved to get out of the house. We would leave to just walk around a store to get out for a few hours which made a WORLD of difference.

I started working out which made me feel so good about myself. Took me 7 months after Christian to get my body close to where I wanted to be. But during that time my dad was keeping them so I could go and seemed to start to get annoyed. Then I hurt my foot and that whole thing ended. Since then I have lost 2 vehicles and now and pregnant and stuck at home all the time unless Chad is home and gets us out. Being in this house 24 7 is so draining. I am so unmotivated and dread moving out of bed most days.

Pregnancy can take a tole on you and how you feel mentally and view yourself physically. Mentally I am just so tired and beat myself up. Hearing how horrible of a job I do just kills me. Not getting out of this place makes me so unmotivated and with the weather not being nice, I can’t just go for a walk..especially with 2 toddlers. Physically I HATE my body.. Please, don’t get me wrong. I am so thankful and proud/grateful to be able to carry babies. It is really all I have wanted since I was 15 but I can’t fight the fact that after 4, I feel some sort of way about how my body is. I only have 2 stretch marks and I don’t have the petruding belly button, some days I love my belly and other days I feel as though Chad views me as so ugly and unattractive. The baby likes to knee or elbow Chad in the head when he lies on my belly and that has kind of ruined that little bit of bonding we use to have. It really doesn’t help that last week I woke up in a horrible mood and snapped at him when he got home. He said some things that have stuck with me that I can’t just forget.

I have said I love you twice and I have got nothing in return verbally but through text he said “love you” back. For the first time since last Wednesday I got  a kiss goodbye. I am just trying to let things settle and ease back into the way they were.

We have fought during every pregnancy. It takes such a toll on me. And given our past, I panic. I get horrible anxiety. I get down and depressed and feel even more horrible about myself and being pregnant. I question myself and everything about myself. I fear talking to him and saying something that will just irritate him and he will want to leave. I don’t like that feeling. I don’t think I SHOULD feel this way. But I do. And I know that it is out of fear from our past which yet again we have grown from. I just wish I knew how to be at complete and utter peace with our past. Let all the petty jealousy go. How to react in a much better way than panic and feel as though blowing him up during a fight is the proper way. I guess in those moments I feel better if we are fighting than not talking. Which in reality all men really want is their space. To think and process and deal but NOOOO. Leave it to me. I will have a whole damn mini story written and sending them one after another. Am I proud of that? Hell no. I WANT TO CHANGE!!

So, as of lately, my thoughts have been geared towards ” I need to make a positive change” ” I have to feel better about myself”. Who hasn’t read that when you take care of yourself and better yourself it reflects on who you are in your relationship? I feel like Chad doesn’t tolerate how I act or my behavior because he is in a totally different mind-set. I don’t think he worries about me, or if I want to leave or if I am going to do anything to hurt him. At least that is how I hope he views me in our relationship.

It has been almost 7 years this October and I still to this day have not found a man who can veer my attention away from Chad. I really have no reason to seek anyone else. I can honestly say this is the man I truly believe I am supposed to be with. Through all of our relationships turmoil I always prayed to God “if he is truly the one I am supposed to be with please, let us work things out/let him come back to me”. And guess what? We always work out our problems. We always came through on the other side together. A lot of times it wasn’t easy and a lot of times it took a few weeks.. sometimes maybe a month or so to heal from a fight but I know we always ended it together.

So, for my mental health I have been listening to a guy by the name of Jay Shetty. He is a former monk and have a TON of inspirational and motivational videos on YouTube. I follow him on instagram as well. He speaks volumes to me. For whatever reason his messages make me really think and apply the thought processes to my life. His relationship videos make me thankful and appreciate my relationship and WANT to be better at being Chads partner. I have ordered the book called The Secret and plan to read that and want to look into Mindfulness. All of which is supposed to help you resonate positivity into your life in all aspects. Begin to react to situations differently. Begin to have more peace of mind and be in control of my reactions, feelings, mind-set etc. I feel this is what I need to do. I want to do.

I have a list of goals for myself that I want to CRUSH. I want to buy a notebook and keep a gratitude journal. I want to stop being so negative and stop complaining about things. I want to be a better person for myself and my family… my relationships around me. Chad and our family is very important to me. They are my world and make my life what it is but, for people like my mother who is always a negative nancy I feel if I can be more positive and possibly show her it can be done and how you act and react may help how others around you act or react to you. And the best part is, my sister is on the same page. Which makes me feel not so alone on this. Growing up we have always heard our mom yelling and we remember more negative than positive. My dad was always calm and not so over powering. For us, the older we get the more we see our mom in us and we know that if we don’t want to be what we know to be instilled into us we have to start by working on us. We don’t want to ruin the relationships we have now.

I know Chad has tried to be the most positive guy. He works towards just having a positive outlook and attitude towards work and home life and I know that me being down and grumpy.. aggravated and our 2 little monkeys pushing buttons can damper that. I don’t ever again want to be the person that makes his good positive mood go away. I want to be that safe haven for him. The one person he can’t want to come home to and talk to. My communication skills suck with him because I fear making him mad. (Side note, he reminds me so much of my mom when he gets mad). I want to be able to discuss any and everything and not feel I can only text him about it. One thing Jay Shetty had mentioned was write it down and find a healthy way for us to communicate whatever it is that is bothering us. Because bottling it up and letting it explode one day when we let all of these little things build up becomes a HUGE ordeal and all of our comments and remarks are just hurtful, awful word vomit. One thing that stuck out is the neurological chemical released for anger in the brain actually only lasts for 2 seconds. That is it. 2 whole seconds, it is completely up to you to continue to stay mad. And both Chad and I are guilty of this. Think, if I bit my tongue instead of attacking through a text, I would probably ignore a whole negative situation from occurring. Taking those few seconds to breathe and calm myself and not say something I could regret, that could save us from an awkward night of not talking, not looking at one another. Not going to bed with our backs towards one another or if something is said, it could be us both defending our point of view and feeling unheard. Slammed doors and so many unnecessary comments. Who wants that?

In the past week I have meditated twice. Once was just a relaxation one where I laid down and allowed every fiber of my being to just relax, It helped me de-stress and I actually went about my day with less anxiety. Yesterday I tried a mindful meditation that was longer but I learned how to breathe properly and with this breathing technique, I can use it when I am feeling overwhelmed with feelings and want to just blow up. I would love to pick up Yoga again and begin reading, meditating and yoga to help focus all my negative energy elsewhere. My family deserves the best of me. And I deserve the best of me too. After the baby, I want to get back into the gym. Working out and tanning makes for a whole world of difference! Tanning helps me feel better(When I Am Tan Everything Is On Point Lol) and when I work out, I get that time away from the house, to have my own identity and feel like a person of society. Not just a mom. Not just someone who stays at home. Not just the “house wife”.  I have complained to Chad so many times how I want to go and I need to get out and do something without the kids and I felt like I was beating a dead horse. Like he just doesn’t get it and reading/listening to a lot of stay at home moms, we all feel the same. That we gave up a lot when we stayed home.

I don’t have a daily friend I talk to except Chad and well, he is a guys guy… he doesn’t want to hear about my daily habits…that are the same…everyday. Like I mentioned, I don’t have a running vehicle so I can’t just get up and go to the store when I need something or go somewhere just to leave the house and feel like a human being! I don’t get to have adult conversations during the day. My 3-year-old is a growing little being but she only wants to talk about princesses, peppa pig, mickey mouse, watch her tablet, play barbies and she has her 2-year-old brother who is her best friend. I just wish he understood how being enclosed is killing me inside. Not that I want to go back to work, I LOVE being a stay at home mom but it is hard to say that and discuss this whole stay at home loss of identity and being happy thing.

Does not help that I am now 30 weeks pregnant. I have a very active child in my stomach and my stomach is huge. I had energy for a whole 2 months and now I am right back to always having tired and  heavy eyes, my body is restless. I know in 3 months I am having my stomach re cut open to have another baby. The stress alone of having a third baby is overwhelming. If I do say so myself, I feel as though a lot of the pressures, standards, and what is expected of me is sometimes just over seen as “just my job”. It is not easy to take care of 2 toddlers, 3 dogs, a cat, a grown man, laundry, cleaning, and trying to find time to take care of me. Me. Where is my Me time? When do I get a break? After everyone is asleep and the dogs are down? Nope. I just lay in bed stressing. Worrying. Thinking.

I just hope that over the course of the next few months, I am able to find balance, peace and be a happier person for myself and my family. I hope that in the course of a year I am in a much better position than I am now. Less stress, more organized and more capable of being a better and suitable stay at home mom and wife. I pray to God I find some clarity soon.

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